Soon amico, soon.

Revelation.

I am the bitch.

In groups of people you will often find there is a bitch (or more than one). I have noticed how I seem to be less favorable to my friends over the last year or so, and how I am quite harsh towards people. thus I have concluded that I am the bitch in the group, hence why I find it hard to make and keep friends, and why people dislike/avoid me.

I HATE THIS!

WTF?!

Things with R ended v. badly, which I don't like, esp the fact that it had to do with S, so today when I started college I was a tad apprehensive about seeing R, but not overtly so.
When all that went on with S he told me he was moving to Wales, and all was grand and R detested him greatly.
So I turn up at college expecting the usual first day occurrences plus also seeing R. And I'm wandering just around by the main reception an lo and fucking behold there stands S!!!!! I had seen R about 3 seconds ago and now I see S there!!!! He was meant to be IN FUCKING WALES for Fry's sake!! No-one really knows about the R-S situ apart from Yashee and Ashley, and with Ashley at a different college I desperately try to track down Yash whilst shaking and shredding my lip to pieces. By the time I find him I'm totally freaking out and even my breathing was shaking, I don't know why I reacted like that, I wouldn't normally but I just bolted. Me and Yash barely talk anymore, literally a couple of words every couple of weeks tops. So even me hunting him down was a risk in it's self but that wasn't important. He must know me well or just have good reactions coz he managed to sort me out as I thought only Ashley knew how. And after an epic-hug and a while chillin' on the grass with some other people I re-entered the 'risk-zone' of lessons. I kept seeing both S and R through-out the day, but neither were anywhere near close enough to say anything, even if they wanted to.
My lip still hurts.
Also, J-R seemed to latch onto me today, he even kissed the top of my head!! I ducked and ran.

For a first day at college, I think that was a pretty damn fucked one, I haven't written this well because I have yet to process it all, I may re-write some time.

Grazie to Yash for putting aside awkward-ness to be a good friend, and to Ashley for being forever awesome, I'd forgotten how much you mean to me.

Realisation.

I have definitely put on weight, which I am not too pleased about, but it could be worse.

Bad Things | Good Things
I don't much like my body | I have bigger... assets
I fit some of my other clothes better now | Clothes that used to be looser are now tight

I'm struggling to find the positive in this.

My mind is blown; we're more alike than I thought, yet still worlds apart.

"
Go placidly amid the noise and the haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence

As far as possible, without surrender,
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even to the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons;
they are vexatious to the spirit.

Exercise caution in your business affairs,
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals,
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love,
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment,
it is as perennial as the grass.

Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be.
And whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life,
keep peace in your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

"

Desiderata, by Max Ehrmann

I saw the writing in the picture about a month ago, liked it, and saved it as a draft on my phone so I could look it up another day. I saw it quoted on the back of someones camper I think it was. Now I see it posted in his blog; I knew what it was immediately and was stuck with a strange feeling, more than coincidence.

"When I like people immensely, I never tell their names to any one. It is like surrendering a part of them. I have grown to love secrecy. It seems to be the one thing that can make modern life mysterious or marvellous to us. The commonest thing is delightful if one only hides it. Somehow it seems to bring a great deal of romance into one’s life."

Oscar Wilde

The Wilderness Downtown

"Please RT this... Achingly beautiful... http://thewildernessdowntown.com/ Night night... 11:05 PM Sep 1st via web"

Tweeted by Phil Jupitus; I came across The Wilderness Downtown, an interactive film which I quite liked. Check it out for yourself.

Saw new and old people today, arrogance is not something I like. I would like to be around interesting, fun people who know when to relax and when to have fun. I would like them to be them, not who they think they should be. Highlight of my day has to be seeing my not-so-siblings, Ashley and Jake. We met and chatted and just generally were ourselves, I think we're getting closer. I texted an ex-boyfriend to see how things would be at college, and I feel like I shouldn't of. I got texts and phone calls for the next few hours. Not one of my best ideas... we ended badly (my fault).Ashley and I walked home and talked on the way, made copious amounts of dinner which we struggled to consume whilst listening to some 80's music.
I am too arrogant, sometimes I hate myself and wish I was different. I am no good, but this is me. I attempt to change this. I do not write this to create pity or an impact, I write this to be honest. Truth can be power, but that is twisted tale for another day.

A Happy Day.

Sleeping in late, well by late I mean about half 11, which is late enough for today. My sister wakes me after coming back from her driving lesson (cars not golf), she drove all the way home from the next village on (about a 30 minute walk) and was really excited as it's only her second lesson.
There is something you must understand about my family, we like each other. Generally we all get along really well, unlike other families, I actually enjoy spending time with them and actively seek out spare time with them. Sometimes I'd much rather watch a film on the sofa with them, than spend the same experience with friends. Another thing about my family is that we have extra members, the main example of this is Ashley, a.k.a. Trumpet-Girl, Lilly etc. and today she sent me a letter, which I love (both the letter and the social mentality). Short but sweet sums up the letter, but "it's the thought that counts", which is very true, and I love the fact that she did take the time to write me.
Mia sorella e me cycled to a local National Trust gardens and had a wander and a picnic. We sat in the sunshine and read our books, then pottered on homewards. Dad picked us up and we talked and laughed until we reached Perranporth, where we bought and devoured chips (with lots of salt and vinegar please) then went for a short walk on the beach. The sea is always colder than it looks.
Mum was packing when we got home, so we helped/distracted her whilst chatting about things. I made a cup of tea, Lauren and I decided to have a 'who can drink their tea the noisiest' competition, which I won. Mum heard us laughing and came and joined in.
Before I started this post I watched a rather good film. The Abduction Club. Put me in a good mood it did, and whilst writing I have been listening to the Thicker Than Water Soundtrack, some good chill-out music.
College induction tomorrow, then maybe some camping with friends (I must find my/a tent).

Last Nightshade.

La camping. I thought it would be majorly awkward what with Mia being there and all. I was half right, it was awkward, but not majorly so. So, not all bad. Arrived-o with Ashley and we were all sitting round the fire, as one does. I was sitting with Ashley, sharing a blanket, and Lena&Matt, Mia&Jamie and Will were all sitting and talking together on the other side of the fire. Felt a little left out, seeing as Ashley was the only one talking to me, and felt a bit sad when Ashley said that if I wasn't there she wouldn't be talking to anyone at all. It started to get dark and the fire was going out, so went dans le tent. So, Lena&Matt were in one part, Mia&Jamie were in another part, all four ...being quiet. So it's Ashley, Will and I, so, yeah, that's pretty much how it was all le time. Had mucho laughs with Ashley though, so all good. Talked to Will in the morning whilst he was polishing and I was playing with his knife. Ashley managed to mis-place her delicates XD and Mia and I went on an expedition to find them. :D Then we generally socialized with the horses :D I love horsies :D. One mucho posh car ride later and I turn into a drifter and walk from Ashley's back to mine, a fair few miles. I enjoyed it, and if I do say so myself, I looked quite fly. :D

I'd love to go traveling, Wales for 3months, Scotland for 3months, Ireland for 3months and then a different part of England for the last 3months. I'd like to learn how to ride horses, and get a moped, that'd be cool. I'd also like to walk from John O'Groats to Land's End, for charity if they'd let me. I think I should write a list of long term goals/plans for the future. It might help me find a purpose. I'd like that.