Bourbon Biscuits

So now there is George.

Mum is quite suspicious of him, and maybe she should be. He is a drummer in a band, he has kept her youngest out late at night on a few occasions and yes, he does look a bit like a dealer. But he is AWESOME!

He has a bit of a past, but that shows he can feel. He is a little bit weird, but in a good way. He kisses my hair when he doesn't even realise he's doing it. He looks at me like I'm the only one he wants to be with. He knows how to make me happy. He introduced me to his friends. He has agreed to meeting my mum and my Ashley. When I'm talking to him I sometimes get butterflies. We write each other notes. He lends me his jacket when I'm cold. I miss him before he's even left. He accepts my crazy; I accept his. He saves me when I'm down and makes me so happy that I can't stop smiling when I kiss him.

I am his and he is mine.

A few short letters.

Dear legs,
OWWWWWW!!!!! Please stop hurting.
Yours sincerely.

Dear Tele,
I like you, please work, I will reward you by watching you intently.
Yours sincerely.

Dear Jade's chair,
Thanks, generally :D
Yours sincerely.

I found my (old) personal statement that I used in an exhibition:

‘Out of the ordinary’ things are the best, that I have decided. And not the mainstream ‘out-of-the-ordinary-Edward-Cullen-is-my-god’, more the ‘let’s go and climb that tree and sing a song about the river Thames’ and I like to spend lots of time having bizarre conversations with my friends, for example about sponge turtles named Raj. I really like to write, mostly creative writing that nobody sees but I still enjoy it. I also trying to look at the world in a different way and passing notes rather than talking. I’d really love to go exploring the world just to get out of the constraints of day to day life and live life rather than have it dictated to me.

I would like to have a pet goat but my mum won’t let me. I’d like to be successful as a creative person, either as an actor or perhaps even an artist, I just hope my lack of artistic talent isn’t a huge issue. I like finding new and unheard of music as it allows me to break the mainstream culture. I really don’t like how everyone is turning out to be the same person. I also like hugs. I am Hope.

I think that this is the beginning of the end of the darkness. Or somewhere near then. This was quite a good time for me and I know I owe you because you helped me out. Thank-you, you helped save me from staying under, I'm just sorry you suffered before me and alone.

Icecream.

Things I need/want:
Shoes
1x white Converse
1x red Converse
2x skanky-cool
1x boots
2x school plimsolls

Music
General Vinyls
Sigur Ros
Death Cab For Cutie
Bombay Bicycle Club
that song I heard on the radio
Blank sheet music for decorating & writing letters
My friends, I miss sitting in while they practice. They don't even know that it makes me sad that I don't get to anymore.

Books
<6x Writing books (not lined)
Poetry (please recommend)
Fiction (please recommend)
PostSecret
something special

Films
French Cinema/ Foreign Films (please recommend)
Tim Burton
Superbad o.n.o.
something inspirational that doesn't involve death too much.

Aesthetic
New haircut (suggestions more than welcome)
New clothes ~ I need to find my style

Inspiration!

Fuck!

I keep seeing a time-span on things. I have such a negative outlook on life. So there's this guy I think I'm seeing. Anyway, I don't know why but I see him going off with my best friend. I just see the negative in everything; like say we're not saying anything, instead of being like hmmm what should I say, I just go into well this clearly isn't gonna work so why bother mode. I like... met him and stuff and yeah I liked him but then like ... I don't know, I think some conscious part of me just won't let me be happy with people. I started to like him then Me over dramatised stuff, made me go depresso and then now I feel like I'm struggling. From what he says I get the vibe that he really quite likes me, but I think there's this part of me that just won't let me feel the same. Is it wrong to be like this? I want to really like him but Me is just like .. well... repressive.
It's stupid, I don't seem to feel any emotions other than humorous happiness, and self orientated sadness. I need someone to just open me right up and teach me how to have emotions. Even my own family, they go away and I don't really miss them, maybe it's because I know they're still there. But also, when I say I love you, I don't even know if I mean it. How do I even know what it feels like?
I don't know what is going on, maybe I need to sort my sleep pattern out and start eating properly again and just try to let him make me happy. IT doesn't help that I sometimes feel like an outsider, like people will just not consider me in what they are doing. No one would be like, hey does Hope want to try this? I don't crop up in their approximation of people who might be interested. It gets quite lonely sometimes. Yeah I have friends at college, but I'm still yet to find someone who just mutually wants to be around me as my friend. Even my old friends, not that we were that close, seem almost utterly uninterested. Maybe I need to be the one to be interested. Maybe I am the only key to my own happiness, and in order to be happy I must let me feel.
I want to be happy with you, I just don't know how to let me be. I want to miss you, but I don't know if I'm able.
Fuck this depressing crap.
Peace&Love
xxx

I'll fill you in on the month sometime soon.

I think I'm definitely not the only one who really is quite starting to dislike using things like facebook chat and MSN. I mean I swear they're actually conversation killers. I reckon it's like when the telephone was just invented. Whereas before people would be sent letter, all you had to do then was pick up the phone and call. Sure, hearing their voice can mean a lot but you can't keep their words. You can't tuck the words they spoke into your pillow as you sleep, or slip them into your wallet so you can hear them again sitting in a steam-filled Parisian cafe. You used to get love letters in the post, someone had sat down and properly thought about what they wanted to say to you, put it into the right words and then sent it themselves. And nowadays, what do we get?! MSN: Hi, Hi, How are you? I'm good thanks, you? Yeah, good. Been up to much? No, You? No. ... Ok that's an elaboration, what you would actually get is: hi, hi, uk?, yh u?, yh. wubu2? not much u? same. I mean, how the heck does that convey the affection between friends, how are you supposed to make, strengthen, or maintain a bond with that?! It just really annoys me. I don't use MSN much anymore, and when I do all the noise alerts and smilies are all turned off because they annoy and confuse me. Also, facebook chat, OMGosh! What the heck is with the noise on that?! *pop*... *pop* .... *POP**POP**POP**POP* SHUT THE FUCK UP!!! ...It annoys me.

So basically, Write more letters, use less instant messaging.