Today, a friend of mine was talking about 'that ex that'll always have a hold over you'.



Jamie's funeral will be on the 21st of December.

This is the beautiful song.

It's simple:

I am in love with him.

I have friends that are in relationships...

They're all like 'I'm glad you had a good weekend with me' and others have been posting pictures and little things about their weekend spent together and how much they love each other.

Then there's us; Friday night we talked a fair bit (about how I'm 'wrapped around your little finger'); Saturday we talked for about half an hour; today, a good morning text and about 13 minutes of conversation which you ended by just signing off after saying 'maybe' to my request for kisses. Yesterday and today you came online and went offline quite a few times and posted on your blog but didn't respond to me on messages or texts.





Ignore me, this just made me sad.

Boyfriend isn't talking to me. Boy friend must be pissed off with me. CONFUSED.

Just wondering where George is...

Everyone seems so self occupied.

I just found out my boyfriend will probably never want a baby with me. I mean we're talking many years in the future.
He's against donors,
he wouldn't treat the child as his even if it was his,
if I had a baby by donor/someone else he would consider us over.

He's entitled to his opinion obviously, but this has upset me to the point that I'm crying, hand on my tummy, apologising to my unconcieved child.

I'm sorry George and I'm sorry.

Dream 24/25th February 2011

So there was this woman who invited everyone to dinner because she wanted to judge their hair. She was evil and suchlike and she was walking around as everyone was eating at this massive round table covered in dark flowers and candle holders and beads and stuff and it was in a big hall that was all dark in a creepy way. It had like rugs on the wall and dark mirrors and little tables etc. And so everyone is sitting around eating, totally petrified and everyone starts to finish eating (potatoes at this point) she walks round touching people on the head and the one she touches are going to be killed (or something). So I'm the first one to be touched on the head and a few around me and we're all like fuck! So we leg it upstairs (it turns into the stairs, landing and Ashley's old room) to Ashley's room because she got touched on the head too and I'm like Ashley get the spell book with that spell that makes your hair turn nice in it. And so she's searching under the bed for it but she can't find the right one and we hear people on the stairs. There's a man on the landing who says those who are running have all left by now and we look down to the stairs and theres a man coming up holding a cup of coffee and as me and Ashley run back to her room the man on the landing is talking to the man coming up the stairs about how good a disguise that is. As we reach Ashley's room the evil woman comes upstairs and the man with the coffee is holding ropes tired together and he is like I'm running and he uses the ropes to help him down the drainpipe outside and Ashley is still looking for the spell book and I run to the window and do the same as the man but with out the ropes and I think Ashley does too and I run away as the evil woman comes to the window. And I'm running away through the grass and a little boy with an old bike and a man run with me (Ashley goes a different way) and we're on the run from the evil woman. I remember going to some old tavern and playing air pinball kinda thing there and Pasty and Matt are there and trying to be nice and the I remember meeting some guys and we talk about doing football training and we should do it regularly and the bus stop we're standing under is also a cheese string dispenser and there's lots of different types of cheese string. And the football kits we're wearing are white and bluey and I want to join the football team as a cover so the evil lady won't get me. And the bus stop is by the forrest I ran out of (the same forrest that quite a way away is the tavern, in it's depths somewhere).

Today

Okay so today. Today wasn't quite as bad as I thought it would be, but it was still not great. I woke up today and tried calling George, no answer. Dressed and left, spent the morning with that don't cry feeling in my throat. I knew George wouldn't turn up, I just knew it, so I spared myself by getting an earlier bus. I nearly didn't, but then sometimes I think I'm too weak when it comes to George, so I put on some rage music and got my ass onto the bus, and told that guy he'd dropped his key. I was sitting on the bus, throat still doing that weird thing and I could feel my heart. I heard a while ago that in order to be something you have to do that kind of thing, for example if you want to be courageous you have to start doing courageous acts, even if it scares the shit out of you. So I decided I'd try being happy, so I texted George some nice texts. No reply, but that's fine. I got to college and went straight to my first lecture room, I was about 35 minutes early so I sat against the radiator, music-ing. Will made me smile a bit in Psyc. but then my lecturer said a bit of a put me down at us, so that squashed that. Had a free, don't remember much of it... I think Harry and Green were there, oh and Luke. A bit of laughter. Went to go to English, Kim stopped me to see if I was ok. I didn't show it but it was nice of her to care. George texted me and so I tried not to seem pathetic and show how much him not being there had crushed me. It's a big deal to me when he doesn't talk to me, I wish he understood, but I can't let him know without looking weak, needy and pathetic. So I was just as if it's cool, if I act that way it will be (fingers crossed). Another free which I spent mostly with Jake. It was good to see him, I haven't seen him in forever. I saved my first hug a tall person day hug for him :) We just chilled and chatted and I ate some of his chips :) Then Drama and Philosophy... Both of which a sudden wave of tiredness washed over me... I spent the last half hour of philosophy actually asleep :) The George stuff gets me down. Not contacting me after we've argued doesn't seem as important to him, or so it seems. I've been too open with him, I've let him see too much of my crazy. I need to back off; be stronger.

I talked to Ashley though, it made me happy. I miss her :) Also I found out my ex has his nose pierced now... he also has a pony tail and a poncho... yup, deffo over him XP

Something I learned today:

If you scratch your face while crying it doesn't leave a mark.

Self destructivism is my weakness

"You know what?
I texted you last, you didnt reply.

I emailed you last, you didnt reply.

I started drawing pictures of us in the future, times we’ve had and times I want us to have. Don’t worry, they’re in the bin now."

Today I was hugging you and you didn't seem that bothered.

There's this one thing I can't stop thinking about. Friday night George and I went to le drum clinic, awesomeness. Halfway through we go down to look at the kit and yeah. We were standing there together, he held me close to him, into his chest, his arms wrapped around me. It was just really soft, special and perfect. It meant so much to me.




Bad description..

Tell me I'm a bad man, kick me like a stray...

Things that make me sad.

I just found my ex-boyfriend's t-shirt in with my stuff from last winter. I don't know what to do with it. If I keep it I think it'll hurt my boyfriend's feelings, and I don't want to do that, he's perfect, he makes me happy...
But if I chuck it away then I'm breaking his promise... and it's the only thing I have left of him from when it was good, if I get rid of it I'll only have the bad memories...the knives, the tears, the guilt, the acid... Shit, I haven't told you about the acid... not much to say really... other than I found out he want(s/ed)to throw acid in my face... I probably deserve it to be honest.
But I don't know what to do.
What should I do?

My life at the moment

Psychology exam
English Literature coursework
Tired
Headache
Rain
Mum wanting my room tidy
("Because Kelvin is coming to do the kitchen"
"So why does he need to come into my room"
"He won't but what if he walks past?"
"My door is always shut, also revising for my exam is more important than tidying my room"
"Why is it whenever I mention tidying your room you always come up with some excuse about having work to do, yet it you didn't have any when Ashley and George were around?!"
"I thought it was a bit ru-"
"Don't give me that crap, it's always excuses with you."
"Ok, I'll go and tidy my room"
"Yes, you will!"
"Yes, I know I will because I just said I will")
Worrying about how much of a shit friend I am to Ashley
Trying to stay conscious to be able to talk to George







I think what they say is right, everyone has a fear of being alone, they need someone there to witness their life, so it's of significance, so they are of significance. I'm not saying that's why I'm with George or Ashley or my family and friends, but I think there's an element of truth in it for everyone.