I keep seeing a time-span on things. I have such a negative outlook on life. So there's this guy I think I'm seeing. Anyway, I don't know why but I see him going off with my best friend. I just see the negative in everything; like say we're not saying anything, instead of being like hmmm what should I say, I just go into well this clearly isn't gonna work so why bother mode. I like... met him and stuff and yeah I liked him but then like ... I don't know, I think some conscious part of me just won't let me be happy with people. I started to like him then Me over dramatised stuff, made me go depresso and then now I feel like I'm struggling. From what he says I get the vibe that he really quite likes me, but I think there's this part of me that just won't let me feel the same. Is it wrong to be like this? I want to really like him but Me is just like .. well... repressive.
It's stupid, I don't seem to feel any emotions other than humorous happiness, and self orientated sadness. I need someone to just open me right up and teach me how to have emotions. Even my own family, they go away and I don't really miss them, maybe it's because I know they're still there. But also, when I say I love you, I don't even know if I mean it. How do I even know what it feels like?
I don't know what is going on, maybe I need to sort my sleep pattern out and start eating properly again and just try to let him make me happy. IT doesn't help that I sometimes feel like an outsider, like people will just not consider me in what they are doing. No one would be like, hey does Hope want to try this? I don't crop up in their approximation of people who might be interested. It gets quite lonely sometimes. Yeah I have friends at college, but I'm still yet to find someone who just mutually wants to be around me as my friend. Even my old friends, not that we were that close, seem almost utterly uninterested. Maybe I need to be the one to be interested. Maybe I am the only key to my own happiness, and in order to be happy I must let me feel.
I want to be happy with you, I just don't know how to let me be. I want to miss you, but I don't know if I'm able.
Fuck this depressing crap.
Peace&Love
xxx
I felt the same at one point. The solution was to feel complete depression, I never felt so lonely before. I isolated myself from the rest of the world, hidden in my own room with just my thoughts; although it wasn't by choice.
ReplyDelete...Then I talked to Becky.
6 Months later: here we are.
All I can do is tell anecdotes of similar things. It's you, yourself who must chose what you do next; But I hope for your sake that you make the right choices.
...maybe you should fully open up to this guy, I did with Becky...
Anyway
Love and hugs
-Yasheee
Boobs.
ReplyDelete